Swimming in social waters: socialising while autistic.

Written By Ashton Bartz
A duck swimming on a lake.

“It reminds me of this analogy someone at work shared about feeling like a duck paddling on a lake. They look calm on the surface, but their little feet are going all out underwater. That’s how I feel when I’m socialising.”

We just had a public holiday where I live, so I got a long weekend! It was an awesome opportunity to catch up with some friends I hadn’t seen in about a year. They’re funny, kind and super supportive. For example, they set up their guest room as a quiet space for me to chill in if I need a break while I was there.

What is a quiet space?

A quiet space, also called a chill-out space, sensory room, or quiet room, is a calm, accessible spot away from noisy, busy environments. These spaces all look different, but they’re usually placed away from the main area and have dimmed lights, comfy seating and less noise. They might also have things like temperature controls, fidgets or sensory tools, earplugs or water. Quiet spaces are great for anyone who gets overwhelmed by sensory information, like autistic people and people with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, or Sensory Processing Disorder.

It’s not something I asked for; they just did it, no questions asked! How nice is that?

Even though I love hanging out with my friends, I know I need some downtime afterwards. The quiet space helps (I ended up using it and even having a nap), but socialising can still be pretty draining. A long weekend is perfect because I can see them on the first day, and then have two days to recover.

I had a great time, but it really made me think about how tiring socialising can be. I love being around people, but the ‘social hangover’ is always tough.

Socialising and autism

Autism is different for everyone, but differences in social communication and interaction are a big part of it. For me, I struggle to follow conversations and jump in at the right moments. I take a bit longer to process what’s being said, so by the time I have something to say, the conversation has usually moved on. I also miss a lot of the nuances in how people talk – like whether someone’s tone is happy, sad, or angry, or if they’re being sarcastic. I take people at their word, but people don’t always mean what they say – so sometimes, they think I’m not paying attention, but I’m actually trying really hard to understand. That’s why I often prefer writing – it’s a lot easier for me to interpret!

It reminds me of this analogy someone at work shared about feeling like a duck paddling on a lake. They look calm on the surface, but their little feet are going all out underwater. That’s how I feel when I’m socialising – I seem relaxed, but my brain is working hard to keep up with the conversation, find the right moments to speak, and remember my scripted responses.

What can help?

One thing that helps is when people give me a bit more time to process information, or when people don’t overload me with too much information. My partner calls it ‘talking in dot points’, and that’s exactly right! ‘Talking in dot points’ gives me less information to process, making it easier for me to respond since I don’t have to sift through all the extra stuff to get to the important bits.

It also helps when people take what I say literally. Sometimes I state a fact or make an observation, but it can come off as rude. Instead of getting mad straight away, my partner will ask me what I mean and explain what they thought I meant. Miscommunications happen, so I keep in mind that my loves ones aren’t trying to be rude, and they do the same for me.

This past weekend was a great reminder of how awesome and understanding my friends and partner are, and how important having a good support system is. I love hanging out with people, but socialising can be super tiring. Having these accommodations makes it so much easier, and finding out what works for you.

Resources

HEADER IMAGE VIA PEXELS.

Ashton Bartz
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Going to a psychologist for the first time.